It’s Halloween. Let Me Scare You.
So Halloween is this evening, and on a Monday. I don’t have the usual Georgia-Florida excuse to not be home, nor am I attending a Monday night party dressed as “Sexy Blogger”. You’re welcome.
Thus, it is my civic duty to prepare to give neighborhood kids candy. Except my neighborhood is a bunch of old townhomes, and we have few kids living here and attract very few the couple of times I’ve been here for Halloween. Thus, I did what I’m guessing seems rational. I bought the candy I would want to eat later. That’s usually how this story ends.
And, of course, since Publix had a buy two, get one free sale going on, I now have the three bags on candy you see here.
I don’t need to eat all this candy. My recent appearances on 11Alive have shown me that I don’t need to eat anything but kale or other sadness until I get things under control. It’s rumored I even went to the gym today for some much needed cardio.
So…what’s in these three bags of candy?
Surprisingly (to me), the fewest calories are in the bag of Almond Joy. 17 servings (2 pieces) at 160 Calories per serving. So downing that bag over the next few days will add just 2,720 calories to my diet.
Next up: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. 13 servings (2 pieces) at 220 calories per serving. 2,860 calories.
I thought Kit Kats were my friend. In this bag, however, there are 14 servings of “3 two-piece bars” at 210 calories each. If and when I eat them, that’s 2,940 calories.
In total, this “snack sized” assortment has 8,520 calories in it. For perspective, 45 minutes of cardio on the elliptical at the gym says it burns about 500 calories. For me to only remain as fat as I am now, I need to go to the gym 17 times just to burn off the calories in this candy that likely won’t be given out tonight. Which would be just in time for Thanksgiving, when I’m easily going to eat another extra 8,000 or so calories. Then there’s the Christmas season, fudge, peppermint everything…..Dammit.
Someone come take this candy.
Yes, this is depressing. Consider it a PSA, or something else to fixate on to avoid thinking about the election next Tuesday. The polls will open early. The gym will open even earlier.
About Author
Charlie
Founder of GeorgiaPol.com; Now weekly columnist Very interested in Georgia and Georginas. Interest in politics is waning daily.
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Save the candy to share with your fellow voters on election day.
I’m assuming by “candy” you mean any bourbon I may have left?
For that purpose he needs some Mounds to go with the Almond Joys. With the Presidential vote some people feel like a nut, some people don’t.
+1
Well next year you could boil some eggs and give those. Healthy. Good. Probably even some lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
I’ll consider it.
Bad idea. It’s a projectile.
My daughter actually went and pulled her Reese’s cups out of her candy to recycle into our outgoing candy bin and I don’t even know if she’s mine.
Next time, buy dark chocolate. It is high in anti-oxidants, and can be considered health food. We do not worry about the calories in health food.
When I was lowering cholesterol a couple of years ago, I snacked on a lot of Almonds. Now seeing that Almond Joy has fruit and nuts, AND is the low calorie option, I’m considering them health food.
Every kid who knocks on my door gets a stern lecture on self-reliance and diabetes, as well as a pair of bootstraps with which to pull themselves up.
As God intended it.
Unless they’re Nike bootstraps the kids won’t use ’em.
My niece, 14, wants to go to…the wrong school…because they’re an Under Armor school. Nike is for us old folks, apparently.
Auburn or South Carolina?
Yes. Sigh.
My mother makes the kids work for the candy. As a former 2nd grade teacher she asks them age related questions. A math equation, a spelling word, local history.
I’m sure she’s a nice person and all but this doesn’t frame her in the best light.
And how many of Benevolus’ eggs were thrown at your house later on?
I’m not afraid of him!
Well the idea of projectiles got me to thinking: What about ziploc bags of pudding, or jello? The kids could eat it, but if they were going to throw it at least it would be… interesting.
I’m listening…
A Massachusetts parent found a tiny bottle of vodka in his child’s candy bag. If this happened to me, my reaction wouldn’t be to call the police, but to think, “Gee, I picked the right neighborhood!”